just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
ok first of all what the fuck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
