I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Randomize
