my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
