No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
