I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
