I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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