Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
