I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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