Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
