I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Is Oprah even human
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
