if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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