i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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