dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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