SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
