You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
