I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
