My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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