My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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