guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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