Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
