dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
