I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
false alarm. still invincible.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
