Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
