five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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