I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Randomize
