I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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