I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
