He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
