I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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