My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You can't just leave with hair like that
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
