My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
