Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
