Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
