I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
