ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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