whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The beer is more important than you right now.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
