just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
me + whiskey = a bad person
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
