i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
