Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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