im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
