im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
