you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
