farters have to be the big spoon...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
