My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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