i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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