oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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