This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
