I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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