I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
