I hope mine doesn't look like that
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
