sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
