Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
