Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
