My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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