you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
