Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
