If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Two words: blizzard sex
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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