Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
