??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
