On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
