He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
