I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
